Texan for Californians
by Sheryl K. Zohn
With the cost of living in California reaching record highs, over 100,000 Californians have moved to Texas since 2012. But along with affordable housing, the Lone Star State comes with some colorful expressions that can confound former West Coasters. Here to help is a handy Texan-to-Californian translation guide.
Texan: He’s all hat and no cattle.
Californian: He’s all Mercedes and no covered parking.
Texan: This ain’t my first rodeo.
Californian: This isn’t my first drive through In-N-Out.
Texan: She’s slicker than a boiled onion.
Californian: She’s more slippery than a fried egg on avocado toast.
Texan: Might as well. Can’t dance, never could sing, and it’s too wet to plow.
Californian: Sure. Can’t surf, never could do Lotus pose, and there’s too much traffic to go anywhere.
Texan: You could shoot craps with him over the phone.
Californian: You could buy a house from him without even checking the Zillow Zestimate.
Texan: She’d charge hell with a bucket of water.
Californian: She’d drive on the Pacific Coast Highway on the Saturday of Memorial Day Weekend.
Texan: She’s so contrary she floats upstream.
Californian: She’s so contrary she does SoulCycle in sweatpants.
Texan: It’s been dry so long, we only got a quarter inch during Noah’s Flood.
Californian: It’s been dry so long, our drought-resistant garden is asking to be torn out and replaced with concrete.
Texan: If you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas.
Californian: If you lie down in the recycling bins, you get up with the polyvinyl chlorides.
Texan: He’s as busy as a one-legged man at an ass-kicking convention.
Californian: He’s as busy as a barista after acting class gets out.
Texan: Don’t mess with Texas.
Californian: You sure you want to live here?
Sheryl K. Zohn is a Los Angeles-based writer and TV Producer who almost lost her father at the Alamo.